Wedding Stress: When Your Partner Doesn’t Give a Fuck

I’m not winning any points for originality if I point out that wedding planning is super stressful, even in the best of times. No one is going to call you out as a spoiled brat (or worse, a ‘zilla) if you admit that putting together an event marking a huge milestone in your life is costly, time-consuming, and overwhelming. But there is still an expectation that you’re so happy to be getting married, and so excited for the day, that the good outweighs the bad. So, while you can get away with bitching about how expensive things are or how domineering your mother-in-law is being… you’re likely going to draw the line when it comes to complaining about your partner.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret though: my clients often complain to me about their partners. At first, they may not want to admit that they’re feeling upset, or that they had an argument. They’ll downplay their feelings because they’re convinced that they’re “not supposed to feel this way,” or they’re embarrassed because, shocker, emotions were running high and one or both of them said something pretty awful.

I respect my clients’ boundaries, and if they really don’t want to talk about it, I don’t push. But most of the time, they can’t help it. It’s a relief to talk to someone outside the situation, who you know really wants the wedding to happen. Someone who won’t say “it’s just cold feet,” who can validate your feelings, and who will reassure you that other couples deal with similar issues.

Every couple is different, and every argument is nuanced, but there is one issue that comes up over and over for my couples, and I’m here to pop the shame-balloon:

No, it’s not just your partner who doesn’t give a fuck about wedding planning.

As a veteran wedding planner, I see this all the time. Regardless of gender, there is always one person who cares a hell of a lot more. (If you’re reading this, it’s probably you.) Let me reassure you — this is normal, and it doesn’t mean your fiancé doesn’t care about marrying you. What’s happening is more likely one or a combination of the following things:

1. They’ve been mistakenly informed (fuck you, Emily Post) that their job is simply to show up;

2. Conversely, they’re apprehensive about being the center of attention;

3. They feel like this is your thing, and since you care about it more, you should get to have all the “fun”;

4. They think you’re better at all the tasks involved, and they’re happy to let you handle it;

5. They’re more excited for what comes after the wedding — the comfort and security of married life, maybe children, or that elusive feeling of “arriving at adulthood” that always seems just out of reach.

Sidebar: There’s also the unfortunate possibility that they’re trying to avoid family conflict by pretending to be voiceless. This is the only scenario that’s not okay, and requires a serious conversation about your shared values, the boundaries you will set with family members, and your expectations of each other as spouses. I am not a couples’ therapist, and that’s simply beyond the scope of this article. I’ll just say — I’ve seen this many times as well, and it would be best to address it before the big day.

Assuming it’s one or a combination of the gif-friendly scenarios above, here are three things you can do:

1. Figure out what thing they do care about, and get them to help with just that thing. It might be something you think is insignificant, like the cake, but that is one thing you can do together and that they will be excited about.
2. Don’t let wedding planning bleed into every hour of every day. Once/week is more than enough time to sit down with your partner. By setting a boundary around wedding talk, you’ll free up time and energy for the other parts of your relationship. Check out this highlight on my Instagram for loads more insight on how to come up with a wedding planning ritual.
3. Get professional help. No, not a therapist (although I’m a huge fan of therapy) — I mean a wedding planner. Because if you want to have a partner helping you, that is what I actually do.

I could tell you all day about why I love doing my job, but the bottom line is that it takes away your stress, and allows you to actually enjoy being engaged and wedding planning. Because at the end of the day, your partner is your partner in life, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be your partner in everything. The idea that you can get everything you need from one person is just unreasonable. Having stuff in common is obviously part of the foundation of your relationship, but being different is what makes life interesting.